911?! … Yeah I’ll hold
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While frequently very large – in Laos, Heteropoda maxima males can attain a legspan of 250–300 mm (9.8–11.8 in) – they are (like the vast majority of spiders) not deadly to humans. They do bite if provoked, but the victim will suffer only minor swelling and localized pain, and will recover in a day or two. Some larger types resemble tarantulas, and that term is sometimes loosely applied to them by Australians as well as the similar-sounding slang name ‘triantelope’.[1] Huntsman spiders can generally be identified by their legs, which, rather than being jointed vertically relative to the body, are twisted such that the legs extend forward in a crab-like fashion.
Many huntsman spiders are dull shades of brown or grey. Their legs are covered with fairly prominent spines, but the rest of their bodies appear smooth. They are frequently found in sheds, garages and other infrequently-disturbed places. The Banded Huntsman (Holconia) is larger and grey to brown with striped bands on its legs. The Badge Huntsman (Neosparassus) is larger still, and brown and hairy. Its bite will inflict the worst injury, and local swelling and pain may cause nausea, headache, vomiting and heart palpitations. The tropical or Brown Huntsman (Heteropoda) is also large and hairy, with mottled brown, white and black markings. The eyesight of these spiders is not nearly as good as that of the Salticidae (jumping spiders). Nevertheless, their vision is quite sufficient to detect approaching humans or other large animals from some distance.
Crap! This about huntsman spiders.. sorry..
ish okay (:
What’s wrong with spiders?
Nothing really, but the ones down here get freakishly large, or lethal. Take your pick.
But why did you have to apologise for posting about them?
Oh, I forgot to add hunstman spiders at the start. It just seemed a bit confusing to me.
Tis cool. I like spiders. I keep a few on my ceiling to eat the flies
or you could, ya know…clean
thank you. someone who finally cleans!!
But NOT windows!!
You don’t clean windows? Do you clean macs? HA! Get it? It’s…uh…I’ll stop now.
justen long can clean himself!!!
I’d kind of like to clean Justin Long. Is it wrong, to want his schlong?
I do but the flies get in the window and spiders are very handy…
I live in front of a large wooded area. I don’t hate the spiders. They keep the ant problem under control. The big ones, though, they have to die. They bite.
Thankfully, no worries about that in the land of exceptionally boring wildlife…
Well, deer occasionally trot through my backyard, which threw me for a spin the first time I saw that. Oh, and Osama Bin Laden keeps turning over my trash cans.
Gawd you too? He’s like Carmen Freakin San Diego…
carmen much sexier
Similar mustache though.
My cat catches flies and disposes them for me.
Way to go, The Steve’s cat!
My cats have a catch-and-release program going. They catch animals outside, and release them inside.
It needs work.
guh?-confused- why spurred the spiderman speak?
NOT COOL EDS!!! *does icky squicky spider dance*
can just imagin all those hairy spiny legs crawling up along jane’s leg with out her ever feeling it
*does spider-up-the-pants-leg dance*
All God’s creatures and all of that, but, ick!
those long sharp venom laced fangs sliceing into your flesh, filling you with posion as it drinks your blood
Make it stop! Make it stop!
*whimpers and curls up in a ball*
and god forbid you have any body cavities exposed
*grabs comforter and wraps it around whimpering self*
I’m a human wonton now!
bitter troll hopes no spiders inside the blankie when you wrapped it around yourself..sealed self in with them
It could be planting its eggs in the comforter’s lining. THAT would be unpleasant.
Wait until you wake up at night with one crawling across your arm. knee+jerk(reaction)=a mess..
No thanks. I think I reached my quota with the tarantula showing up in my bedroom.
and it laying eggs behind your eyes, you will never see them…but you can feel them..squirming
I don’t think the tarantula lived long enough for that–one pest company and one New England winter made for certain!
RE: eye things? Blech!
Cold cold climate with nice icy winters. I am never moving somewhere warm, never. Spiders are manageable sizes here.
This comment is awesome.
DUDEEEEE! WHAT THE HELL!
ZOMG L Lawliet!! i think i love you.
ii bee yourrr wifeh.
and we can has a boys named mello, matt, and near.
<3 DEATH NOTE <3
YEAH! AND WE’LL HAVE A GIRL NAMED NEAR. cuz near is such a girl. ROFL
You’ve been ordinal posted by someone who knows how to ordinal post. Well done, Ed!
This is the suicide camp that Achmed trained at.
This is a newswire photo of an ongoing wildfire in Greece, actually. BTW not all mayhem is caused by violent suicidal men named Achmed
*sweatdrop*
Silence! I keel you!
Ah, now I understand that “Achmed” referred to a character from a comedy act. It’s not obvious to some of us here who may not be as conversant with American popular culture as Americans are.
this is why bitter troll dont smoke while fueling up his bitter car
i ish not a troll.. if thats what you ment lol.
but carparts were flying everywhere!
The last thing that went through my head: MY BUTT.
and i’m taking that verizon guy with me.
Take him! And don’t bring him back either!!
he is a she.. and she is taksu. SO HA! :\
The Verizon Wireless guy is a chick? No way!
The Verizon guy is taksu?
Who’s taksu?
thats me!!
oh hai taksu!! how wash summah???!?!
OH HAI NEGI !!! it was good xD see you tomorrow (:
Darn Prometheus!
911? It’s not an emergency but do you know why on one side at the damn drawbridge of 95 traffic is stopped for 15 minutes and yet traffic’s coming the other way? WTF you mean why am I calling 911 to complain about traffic?
bitter troll’s favorit 911 calls are normally the people who call when fast food is out of whoppers
Hello, 911??? I wanna complain about the Jack in the Box on Watson! I asked for light mayo, and they gave me regular mayo! I wants justice! JUSTICE!!! Hello? Helloooooo?
Hello, 911? I need to lodge a complaint against the McDonald’s on Frank st! They’re out of McNuggets, again! I swear to god, next time this happens I won’t just mace the drive thru guy like I just did, I’ll freaking murder him!!! Wait, you’re on your way? Of course I’ll wait! I want my Chicken Nuggets!!
HELP HELP 911, bitter troll ordered whopper no bun and they refused!!! YOUR WAY RIGHT AWAY MY BITTER BUTT! and then bitter troll ordered shake hold the cup! THEY REFUSED!!
YOU HAVE JACK IN THE BOX IN ST. LOUIS?!
Hellz yes. I was an overnight shift leader there for a year and a half. Crappy schedule, underpaid, fun as hell.
ZOMGWTFBBQ?!?!!? I’m coming back to St. Louis.
I loooooooove Jack in the Box. Which is why I put on 20 pounds working there. :-O
Want to have Jack in the Box with me? There’s not Jack in the Crack here. charro needs Jumbo Jack with cheese, no tomato, no pickle, no ketchup.
Rando needs (not all in one sitting, I’m not this much of a pig): 2 Breakfast Jacks (we called them BJ’s. It was funny), 1 Sourdough Jack (no sauce), one grilled chicken on sourdough, one pita (no onions), one Bacon Ultimate Cheeseburger, 3 egg rolls, 2 tacos (no lettuce), a plain chicken sandwich, one meaty burrito, and a chocolate shake. And I’ve probably missed something. One of the benefits of working overnight there was being able to come up with your own concoctions without the restaurant manager catching you.
I was crushed when they got rid of the chili cheese curly fries. I <3 the Ultimate Cheeseburger *drool*, ok, see you in 5 hours.
You people are freaks. However, there is a Snack in the Crack right down the street from my house. It has an ocean view, FFS.
The shakes are good.
I lol’ed
Me too
Well, being an actual 9-1-1/Police dispatcher, I kinda take offense to this. We don’t put people on hold when they call, no matter how stupid. Jeez, no one who works our job understands this… but they’ll sure as sh*t make fun of us.
You take offense to a caption?
It’s the internet. Deal with it.
Other than that, I have the utmost respect for 911 dispatchers. Talking people through horrible things is a very hard job, and they don’t get the credit they deserve.
as john McCain, i have to tell you to take it in stride. Most of these things are made to cause a chuckle nothing more.
I thought I did deal with it, but calmy explaining why I thought the way I did. I usually love the stuff here, and the majority of the commets are funnier than the original caption… it’s just stuff like this hits a bit close to home & aggrivates me is all. I’m sure there are plenty of others who take umbrige at certain things… I know no offense was meant
yeah there are always people who take umbrage. even people who are often funny can lose their sense of humor if anyone gets remotely factual here.
I seriously doubt any offense was meant with this caption. It’s not meant to be realistic, just goofy. Now, if someone compared 911 to Hitler…
I have to find a way to do that now. It may be horrible, but you gave me the idea
as hitler, i take offense to being compaired to all these other jerks…to far? bitter troll sorry..bitter troll not hitler
Godspeed, young Iggler. Godspeed.
TOOOO SOOOOON TOOOOO!
It’s NEVER too soon. Mwahahahahaaa!!
TWO SCOOPS!
no no those are boobies
The boobies are only two scoops? That’s not that impressive.
Depends on the size of the scoops. Had a link, but PK ate it.
Not to brag, but I’m used to some pretty big scoops. :-X
Unfortunately, in some places at sometimes, the dispatchers HAVE done that. No disrespect to you, but I’m sure there are the few odd ones that aren’t nearly as dedicated as you are.
This happened in Bucks County PA, disabled woman called 911 from her burning house, dispatcher put her on hold. Woman died in the fire. Dispatcher got a ‘warning’ I believe.
I’ve called 911 and received a busy signal on more than one occasion. Is that supposed to serve as a barrier for the stupid? “Only the really smart ones will keep calling back”
No. It means that all lines are tied up with others being helped.
I know, I was just kiddin
So first you say that you “never put someone on hold”, then you admit to not actually having any form of call-queueing system. I really don’t see how that helps your case.
Whenever I call 911 they have to transfer me to the right 911 then they have to ask for directions to my house.
True story. Yes I’ve called 911 more than once from this house.
Better learn how to cook and stop setting all those fires!!!
Yeah.. that would be funny except for that’s not why I called 911.. Ever..
As Steve, below, mentioned, perhaps at *your* location you don’t put people on hold, but in other locations, it does happen. The 911 service in my area has a “please hold and a dispatcher will be with you momentarily” recording if there is no one available to pick up immediately.
(That’s followed by a recording that said, “911 Emergency service is for emergencies only. Misuse of the service is punishable by [something I forget]. An emergency is” but then the dispatcher came on the line so I didn’t get to hear the rest of it.)
In my case, we needed an ambulance but it wasn’t a “OMG sucking chest wound/there’s no heartbeat/where’s his other leg” type situation so I didn’t mind, but it did give me a moment’s pause to wonder if I was calling to report, say, a kidnapping or assault in progress, how that would play out. The delay was less than a minute, but as they say, “seconds count.”
And, just to nitpick, I believe you meant “no one who’s never worked our job understands this.” (c: I HOPE the people who do your job understand it!
On the other hand, if they don’t, perhaps that’s why so many of us have experienced the phenomenon…
Don’t smoke crack kids.
DON’T smoke crack?! When did this start?!
He’s awful close to the fire, I wonder if he’s uncomfortable.
We should all go the the fridge for a cold one, and think positive cool thoughts for the man in the picture. It won’t help him much, but it will make us feel better about having positive thoughts for someone. Plus a cold one will make us feel better too.
True dat. Toss me a cold one too while you’re at it.
THE GRANDADDY OF ALL EPIC WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ok so im not exactly super skinny but i know im not fat. i just need to tone and loose a few pounds. but i dont really wanna go to the gym. because of money and i cant drive. but i try to eat right, staying away from junk food and foods that are high in sugars etc. but does anyone know of any drinks that i can make from ingrediants that i can find in my kitchen? that will make me satisfied when im hungry but be healthy and fat burning? a tea? or something in that general area.
also i need foods that will keep me healthy and toned.
toning methods will be greatly appreciated. :]
Yea, the 911 Dispatcher has to make those with REAL emergencies hold to answer stupid things like; ‘I think there’s a raccoon in my garage.’
‘My neighbors music is too loud!’
‘The lawn guys keep parking on the wrond side of the street!’
Help us to avoid clogged emergency lines by actually using a phone book or the internet to find the regular landline for you local law enforcement department to complain about non-life threatening occurences.
*snoooooort* *looks up hastily from mirror* Whut?
And can we shoot heroin? We can shoot heroin, can’t we?
*psssssh* *looks up hastily from cooking-spoon* Whut? I was going to do a speedball but when you put coke and heroin in the same needle it just sounds dangerous…